I have been closely monitoring what affects my behaviour recently. One of the aspects that I'd identified was that I was always judging myself, was always thinking, analyzing my current actions for their effect on my future. I'd decided to stop doing that. But while I wrote that, I hadn't realized that there is deeper malady there -- my subconscious quest to be a perfectionist.
As I was reading an essay about the downsides of perfectionism from Amanda Ruggeri at BBC, it made me aware that I've also been affected by the same trait she was warning about. I want things to be done perfectly.
At home. At work. With the activities that I do on my own. With my family. With my peers, my superiors.
It is that perfectionist voice within me that's constantly judging me, judging others. Even now, am thinking and rethinking on the ways I could word this prose. This paragraph. Is it the best way to make my point?
Why? Why do I do that? It can't be healthy.
Even on Google, the first autocomplete suggestion for "Perfectionism" is "Perfectionism is a disease". I wouldn't term this trait as that -- I don't want to flippantly use a word while representing any form of mental disorder -- it ain't a "disease" for sure. However, even an offhand read through the internet would convince you that perfectionism can lead to a laundry list of such disorders. Anxiety. Depression. And much more.
I am not sure if my habit of aiming for perfection in every task is affecting my mood and my mind in any alarming way yet. However, I think it does lead me to procrastinate at times. I don't have time now, will do it later "perfectly," I can hear my mind say every now and then.
Well, it's believed and acknowledged to be a vicious cycle - perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis. Or thought another way, it is the paralysis by analysis. Analysis paralysis.
All this lead me to a post I wrote back in 2013, on exactly the same topic of over-analyzing, overthinking. And it was then that I had linked to this term of Analysis paralysis for the first time.
That was 7 years ago. I believe I haven't managed to get rid of my trait yet. It might be time to think about getting rid of this habit. To not let my pursuit for things to be perfect to affect me, to paralyze me.