Even though it is a holiday today, I decided to trudge outside the home. Alone, and unplanned. Just with a backpack, my laptop and my phone. For many, this might be very common. But it’s not for me. I usually idle around at home. I might read or watch something. On rare moments, write too. But I would never leave the home unplanned.
Sure, I do very commonly go outside with my family. Or friends. But it usually is a planned trip to a mall, a restaurant or a resort. For dining, hanging out or just relaxing. But I rarely do any of those alone – the me time.
There was a time when I could get such time right at home. I could box myself in the study room and cut every distraction out. Be alone, get bored. That’s the best way I know to focus on everything that I love to do.
I don’t get the needed focus at home anymore. There’s calm, and I spend quality family time. But I do that without any self-goal as such. The minutes and hours go by. Yet, I hardly get anything done that matters. Something that makes me feel good within.
You know that feeling when you are happy, yet something feels missing?
I realized this recently when I was away with my family on a weekend stay at a wellness resort. It was a much-needed break away from the hustle and bustle. I decided to carry nothing with me. No books. No iPad. No diary. I locked my phone in a drawer the moment we reached. My daughter, the extrovert she is, quickly found few friends and got busy playing. My wife had planned a few therapies and was away for a few hours. So, even though we went together as a family, there was a period when I was alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to.
And I absolutely loved every second of it.
It reminded me of when this boredom was very common for me. I suddenly craved such a period of loneliness and the ideas that left me with. So, it was time to correct a few things at home.
My wife had recognized this uneasiness in me. Don’t the soulmates usually do? She had been suggesting many things to pull me out of the lull. Why don’t you go out alone? Why don’t you meet your friends? Why don’t you go down and walk?
I ignored all those suggestions. Aren’t we always told to spend as much time as possible with family? So, I always wanted to stay around the people I love the most.
But in doing that, I alienated the one person I should never have. Myself.
Today, I corrected it, and I intend to make it more common. Allow me to get bored through lack of anything to do. Or of anyone to talk to. So that I can listen to my mind and do what it wants me to do the most.
If these 500 words are anything to go by, I might feel at peace with my mind again.